Warning: NOVEL. This turned into a thereputic novel/journal entry of sorts for myself. If you read, I will probably sound a little crazy. But, the quote by Elder Uchtdorf at the end is great.
I feel like these pictures pretty much sum up my life with Nathaniel right now. Words probably aren't very necessary. I love this kid to death. There are some days when I think that he will be my death. It's a good thing that he says funny things and has those big blue eyes.
Funny story about Nathaniel yesterday. He didn't want to nap (the new normal). He fell asleep 5 minutes before we had to wake him up for church. During sacrament, he was wired. During testimonies, he ran down the aisle screaming. I walked as quickly and calmly as I could after him and picked him up. We stopped in the doorway and I figured, we're this far up, we might as well go up and bear our testimony. He went up with Andrew the other month and did great. So I thought he'd be fine. Wrong. As I starting to bear my testimony, he's grabbing the mic. Then throws a fit. So I put him down. He's screaming. I lean down to tell him to wait for just a minute. Then he runs. I end my testimony right then. I don't even know what I sad- kind of embarassing. He got herded by a sister in the ward. I pick him up and we exit. I put him down on the couch in the hall to talk to him and he's just laughing and bouncing on the cushions. Oy. That one experience pretty much describes all of church. Crawling on chairs, banging things, yelling and whining. But, I didn't get upset or frustrated. It was one of those... Oh Well... moments.
That being said, I've been struggling with him lately. He's just being so... two. And I get frustrated with him a lot. Enter guilt. I struggle with my frustration with him. I just struggle. I am way too hard on myself. Lately, he has decided that he will scream and cry when it is nap or bedtime. Scream is the most important word here. And he does it to push my buttons. He tries the "poopy" trick to get me to come. "Tissue" is another one. Then he just sobbs and screams. Jenna, bless my angel baby, sleeps through all of this nonsense. Everyday. As it drags on for hours.
So what do I do? I get frustrated then I get frustrated with myself. I think: What kind of a mother am I? Why do I get so mad? Where did all of my patience go? I want to be patient. I want to be loving. Do I go in there and concede and let him stay up? Then he'll win the battle of the wills and will that set a new pattern? Do I let him be a beast for 2-3 hours for a nap for the sake of keeping the pattern? This only started a week ago so is it the new normal or just a phase and he'll go back to going right to sleep again? Do I let him stop napping? Do I keep insisting? Ughhhhhh. Parenting is such a feel in the dark. How do you ever know if you're doing the right thing? And that is only the napping part. He's a toddler with the selective hearing, "no", throwing tantrums and wanting to have things his way. And I can handle that usually. But this sleeping thing. It's my downfall. It's driving me up the wall.
I feel guilty because I do get frustrated. I usually think of myself as a calm and patient person. And over the last two weeks, I don't know if I can put myself into that category anymore. I feel so bad because I KNOW how blessed I am to have my boy and I want to just enjoy him while he's little. But I'm letting him get my goat (I think that's the expression). I know this too will pass. But, I don't want to just get through it -I want to enjoy him now.
Writing all of this down is therapy for me I guess. As I've been writing this, I've almost deleted it like seven times. I've thought of the older parents that will read this and chuckle thinking I'm silly. I'm thinking of my other family or friends that have similar struggles that will either say, "I totally feel you" or will say "Stop worrying so much about it- why are you being a drama queen?" I'm totally self conscious. I'm worried you will judge me. I always want to appear like I have it all together. No, I don't want to just appear, I really DO want to have it all together. And everyday I realize that I'm not. Some days I'm totally cool with that and others, I'm totally not cool with that. So with this Nathaniel thing I want to tell myself, we've got it all perfect. He's still totally trained well. I can totally handle these two kids without batting an eye while giving service, keeping my house clean and checking off every box on my to do list everyday. Right. So, maybe if I confess that things are good. That I'm happy. That most of the time my house is pretty clean and picked up. That both of my kids sleep 11 hours at night. That I make dinner the vast majority of the time and that I am patient and have fun with my kids. That I really do feel like I am competent as a mother. Maybe then I can confess that I am having a bit of rough go these last couple of weeks. And that I can do that without being self conscious, or embarassed or without feeling that I have to justify it or minimize it. I SO want to write, "But, I'm still doing good. It's not that big of a deal. I can't complain. I really don't get upset that often." Or whatever it takes to make it still seem like I've got it under control. Because I do but I don't. I don't want it to seem like I'm needy, because I'm not. But I do need help sometimes. But I never want to ask or admit. Does any of that make sense? I guess I just view myself on a continuum. And I see myself right on the super blessed end and feel like I have no right to feel like I've got it hard. Because I don't. I just have a tantrum screaming two year old. Some people would kill for a two year old, any way, shape or form. If I didn't have him, I'd be the one saying I'd take a tantrum throwing two year old if it meant I had a kid. If it meant I had him. I feel like if I whine about him, I'm ungrateful and that I'm not fit to have any more kids later. And I want more kids. Do I seem like I'm seriously just nuts?
So here are two things that I keep thinking about:
1. Yesterday, my Relief Society President said that if we're having some sort of thing that we're struggling with, we often tell ourselves it isn't a big deal. Or tell someone else it isn't a big deal. But it is. If it's a big deal to us, it's a big deal to our Heavenly Father. He loves me so it's a big deal to him. Yes, for about 4 hours a day I feel like a failure of a mother. But the other 20 I feel competent. Those 4 hours right now feel like a BIG deal to me even though I don't want them to (because I want to be perfect and seem perfect) and in the grand scheme, they are a very little deal. But, since this little deal is a big deal to me right now, it is a big deal to Him. And I'm grateful for that. Because when I pray about Nathaniel and pray to have patience and love and the Spirit to help me know what to do in the moment during those four hours, I know He'll help me because he's not going to brush it off as a little thing. For example, today I have been throwing my hands up saying, "AGAIN?" but I haven't had any sense of anger or real frustration. I feel calmer. I still feel bad but I feel more in control.
2. Elder Uchtdorf said in the Relief Society General Meeting that we need to be patient with ourselves in his talk, "Forget me Not". He said:
I want to tell you something that I hope you will take in the right way: God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect.
Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not.
And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does.
Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.
It’s wonderful that you have strengths.
And it is part of your mortal experience that you do have weaknesses.
So, writing this post is me trying to help myself realize that it is ok if I have weaknesses. And if you know that I do, it's not a big deal. Because guess what, you probably already know I am not perfect. But, it doesn't change the fact that as I push publish I'm hoping that you don't change the way you view me as a mom or a person. Isn't that silly? I don't think it stems from vanity, just from a desire to be a good person.
The end.
8 thoughts:
Victoria,
I know exactly what you mean!! I loved reading your post and it seems like I could've written it myself. Do you remember that one time we met you and Drew at Bajio when Eric was about Nathaniel's age. He kept escaping and running out the front door and all we did was chase him and try to keep him in his seat. That wasn't one of his good days! I felt so embarassed! I try to keep an eternal perspective and still struggle with having patience. It takes a lot of reminders along the way. I heard a quote that raising children is not an event, it is a process. We are all learning as we go. Thanks for your honest words.
Victoria, if it's possible I love you even more after reading this post. I'm sorry you've been having some hard days lately, but you are such an amazing mom and that is apparent to everyone that knows you! I love you! Wish I could come take him off your hands for a few hours; I know day in and day out it is really hard, but you have such a great perspective on this and I loved everything that you said. If it's a big deal to you, it's a big deal to the Lord. And me!!! :)
I thought I was the only one! It's so hard to remember that most people are going through the same things as me. It seems like it's always me that has the kids that freak out at the store, freak out at church, break everything, fight like cats and dogs, and are slow to follow any kind of direction. I've been having lots of bad days (read: no patience and not being a good mom) lately. You are doing a fabulous job! And I really, really, really love this post. I love that you were brave enough to post it! In church I realized that I need to stop judging everyone-including me!-and just focus on the positive. At least he's cute!
And what is it about women having so much guilt all the time? Is it because we as latter day saints have the eternal perspective but can't always be the best we want? I've been struggling with this lately. We can do it!
I agree with Carolyn. I think being honest makes you more lovable not more judgable... if that's even a word. I don't think anyone expects a kid in their terrible twos to act perfect, that's why it's called the terrible twos... which also sometimes last into the threes. P.S. As someone who doesn't have kids yet, kids freaking out at the pulpit keeps us paying attention in church. We look at it as amusing, not insulting. :)
Victoria you are a great mom! I love your post. Holy cow, it is carazy becuase I read the SAME talk by Elder Uchtdorf yesterday because I was worried about Quin's behavior (he stopped napping too). We need to chat. You are awesome
What a great post. Isn't life just so...life sometimes. As I read this I had these thoughts...you know, if we already had perfect, God-like patience, why would we be on earth? And if we already knew how to raise a child perfectly, why would we be parents? I think the spells of frustration are part of God's plan. It's a cycle that teaches us. Frustrated with child, frustrated with self, try better next time. I think you nailed it on the head when you said you feel competent 20 hours a day, but not so much the other 4. We can't be prefect all the time. Otherwise why would we be here. Nathaniel is such a cutie, even if he's two. You are doing a wonderful job. You and Andrew show Patrick and I the way and we're happy to have such a good example to follow so closely.
No judging happening!!!!! Those who judge are really making a poor decision in doing so (in any situation). Isn't it a relief we don't have to have it all together? You are doing great
You wrote that very well and I'm guessing most moms have all gone through the same round of emotions and feelings. I felt that way when Landon was a new baby. I was so excited for him to come and things were just hard after he did. I cried and cried, and I wanted to have things all put together and be the picture perfect family, but we weren't. I compared myself endlessly to others and made myself miserable. I didn't want to wish away his little babyhood because it goes so fast and I had been so excited for it, but at the same time I wanted him to stop crying for hours. I didn't want people to think I had a bad baby either, I wanted them to know that I could produce a GOOD baby and he was a good baby, but something was wrong and I just didn't know what. Things got better and now we're taking on new struggles and as he is getting into everything. It's nice to know there are other real humans out there and not just perfect people who blog about their perfect life:) I feel like I am closer to other people when I know how they feel and what they struggle with. You are a great mom, which is especially evident because you CARE about him, otherwise this post wouldn't even exist.
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